Basically, I'm done with blogspot.
As of last night, I made a new blog where I can put all my thoughts and shit.

I'll keep this one up but I'm done posting here.

The new blog:

http://catchallthoughts.tumblr.com/

Tomorrow will be my first time smoking in months, it just goes to show that cigarettes aren't as addictive or at least not as much as they say because I had no problem not smoking. Oh well, I need tomorrow though. I need to forget some things for a while, I need to be care free.

I was reading an article today about one of the two most recent teen suicides just a few minutes ago and it brought me to tears.

I haven’t cried over any of them until now. The article had a part of his suicide letter, it talked about how he thought this was his only way out. Silly me, I’m actually starting to cry as i type this. Those words… his words, I relate to them so much. I was there, I could have been one of them. In all honesty that’s the way I have felt for years, even when I said I felt better out loud inside I never really have. I won’t be one of them though, I have dreams, lots and lots of dreams that I want to see threw.

I just feel so alone all the time.

You know, my mum already tells everyone and acts like I'm this terrible out of control person when to be honest im not anymore and when i was she had no idea. I barely drink, i barely smoke. I dont smoke weed anymore, i dont sneak out. I stay home. All the time im home, because she doesnt want me to leave. She complains about me always being home, well if you let me actually leave then maybe i wouldnt be home all the time?? I think i might just go back to being a bad kid and sneaking around and shit. It beats being responsable and always being told no when you ask to do things. I mean fuck, i had tonsss of fun when id sneak out and chill with friends and do whatever we wanted. I did that shit when i was in school and now that im out i dont see why not just continue it. I mean some sort of a social life besides just texting people would be VERY nice!

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I wish I had the guts to ask my grandmother if I could live with her.
I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that she would say no.
I mean it would be good for her considering she'd have someone there for her
and someone to keep her company but it would also be good for be because I'd
be out of this environment.
I just can't get past that thought that says she'll say no.
Usually rejection isn't something I'm too worried about

but theres just something about it to where I just don't want

to embarrass myself if she were to say no.
But then again what would it hurt if she did say no?
I mean I'm working on getting a job, I'm waiting on a call from gallup.

I'm working on my photography, even though I've been completely bored

with it lately.
I think it was just the people I was shooting with.
I just shot with Blake the other day and we had a blast but we are also
so comfortable around eachother but we were just being ourselves and joking around.
I'm getting sidetracked, the point of this post is simple:
To ask or not to ask.

I'm starting to think this was all a mistake...

maybe I'm too conservative for you?

... yes, I actually considered myself conservative. ha!

You love clubs, I find them tacky.
You want to strip, I find the thought completely repulsive.

You refuse to take care of yourself, I just worry.

I could go on and on but honestly I'm just not in the mood.

This would be round 4 of trying to write something for tonight.

So since it isn't working I'll just post here what I decided not to post on facebook;
I think its weird that in high school most people tried to look nice & presentable,

then you see them now in college and they've like given up... not cute at all.

Put on some makeup, use a little hairspray and put on some pants without an elastic waist band!!

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU!!!!

I've said it for almost the past 3 years now but

when I leave I really never will be speaking to you again.

I tried to actually include you in my life tonight and introduce

you to my boyfriend.

You put on your fake little smile and for some dumb reason I thought things

actually were going well.

I hung out with him and we packed up his stuff and drove him back to his

dorm with his sister.

I came home 6 minutes after the curfew you set for me.

It was the first time I have ever EVER tried to abide by it and you flipped shit on me for it.

You said you were up all night worrying about me...

BITCH I STAY OUT UNTIL 5 AM SOME NIGHTS AND YOU DONT SAY OR DO SHIT!

AND I COME HOME 6 MINUTES AFTER MIDNIGHT AND ITS A SIN AGAINST HUMANITY.

You kept telling me I lie to you... I do what I say and say what I do.

I offered to have every friend I hang out with come to the house at once

to attest to that.

You said no, You know its true.

I need to get away from you so badly.

My cousin offered me a place to stay in Cali about a month ago,

he said he always has room for me.

You don't know that.

I hate you even more each day and each day, I get closer and closer to wanting to

just go there and never look back.

You think you are an amazing parent and you do so much for me...

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I TRIED KILLING MYSELF?

MY FRIENDS WERE THERE. YOU WERENT.

YOU KNEW IT HAPPENED AND YOU NEVER SAID A FCKING WORD TO ME!

Yeah, your a good parent alright.

So, I guess this is the part where I try to properly blog?

I'm not used to it... I've been photo-blogging on Tumblr for a while now

so thats what I'm used to and even when I used this

I usually only posted writings and such.

Here we goooo:

This weekends been... interesting. Friday the honor choir from Bryan
had a party and of course they had me come. haha!
So I spent all day pretty much with my best friend LaRece.
[Gosh, the term best friend seems soo... childish]

That night Tristan came in town from school we were gonna see

each other but those plans fell threw.

Today, Saturday, was day two of not seeing him when he was in town.
I need a license already so I can make these things possible.
I mean people tell me all the time they will give me rides but...

Its just soo awkward to use someone for a ride, I hate it.
And to be completely honest, I'm a rather good driver as compared

to a few people I know that actually have a car and a license.

I mean it isn't too terribly hard.

Thats something I need to work on.

Last night I had a dream I went to college, it kinda felt right.

I was talking to my friend about it today and what I would do if I went.
And my answer was "I don't know"... isn't it terrible I'm 18 and I have to

pretty much know how I want to spend the rest of my life.

As unrealistic as it seems... I still want to sing.

When it comes to continuing school I just don't know how to go about it.
I don't have the resources or the know how to make things happen.

I've never taken an SAT or ACT test let alone do I know what they are.
And if I ever did end up going how would I pay for it? how would I pay for the dorm?
My mother already pays for my brothers schooling and my dad doesn't
help out with that kind of stuff, so Im just kind of stuck.
Plus if I were in school I'd want to be taking classes that interested me.
I.E: Art, Photography, music, cooking, design, fashion.
I wouldn't want to spend all my time in Math or science.
And you have to take those courses... as if already taking 14 years wasn't enough.
I mean I understand higher education but... how is math going to help me

sing or take a good photograph?

It would make more sense if I were doing things that actually

required math or science or English.

I'm at that stage now to where everyone is on my ass about doing

something with my life but to be completely honest
I'm 18 and I just spent 14 years of that in school so why would

I be so eager to just jump right back into school?
I kinda want to find myself a little before I do.

Have a little personal success before I start trying to please my family

or anyone else who bothers me about it.

I've decided that I'm back.

I will be regularly writing here again,
Maybe more thoughts than anything but none the less, I'm here.
With a new background and the original banner.

D-minor Thoughts With C-Major Overtones.

I'm running, I'm trying to find away

Out of this world. I'm dreaming,

holding on to the words that were gleaming.

Brightened eyes from love lost words and

hopeless feelings.

I'm screaming, trying to find someone

to catch me, I'm falling.

your words they've clogged my thoughts.

My nerves don't connect like dots.

I feel you,

your fingers their on me.

I'm drifting apart,

one piece at a time.

First it was my heart, now it

is my mind.

You got inside of me, worked your way

in between the cracks beneath the surface.

I'm running from my past.

Falling towards the future, right above us now

are clouds filled up with doubt.

Raining on my clothes, tears run down my face.

A broken hearted boy with selfish thoughts of love.

Black Binder

I have this black binder that I used to carry around with me everywhere. Everything I wrote, every thought I had every sketch I made went into it. I no longer use it but going threw it shows me how far I've come. Most people have never seen or read the things inside of it but I figured it was time to show more from my past maybe people will understand what I was going threw more. I'll include some of my old writings and I will include sketches from a "clothing line" I wanted to create and then I will include some of my newest writings.

**Click the images to make them bigger**

Everything here is from 2007-2008 except this very first page

which is from 2009. I did this with Olivia, we wanted to work

on a line together and call it "The Wonderful World of O.Z." (Olivia & Zachary)

"milk milk, lemonade, around the corner chocolates made."

If only was originally what I was calling the "clothing line" but as I

got more into photography I took If only over as my photography name and

in its place I started calling the "clothing line" Jackson Rose.

Here is the first sketch of if only...

and the first and only sketch of Jackson Rose,

whose name makes up the stem of a rose.

Here's the newest writings I've done.

20 strong is the most emotional of them all, at least for myself.

Pathetic

I’ve decided I really should just forget.
Let someone else try for a change, I need to stop trying to be a part of something that I was never asked to be a part of.
Its pathetic and I’m falling.

Thoughts

I've officially been knocked off my pedestal.
For the past few months things have been so amazing, I've been so happy so inspired but lately things are different.
And just now, I've officially fallen.
I had that thought again that urge to do something I haven't wanted to do in soo long.
I hate these thoughts that used to run threw my mind every 5 minutes and I hate the fact that now their back in my head.

Random Mind Doodles of Unexpressed Thoughts.

Note To Self:

There’s a reason for everything even if you don’t see that reason now, one day you will and on that day you’ll truly see the world.

In other news, I want to write again. I keep talking to my friends about how I'm going to write and how I feel like writing but when ever I do, nothing ever happens. It feels as if I'm loosing a part of me, a part that I'm not ready to let go of. I want to continue the story I began so long ago, the two paragraphs it is today just isn’t sitting well with me. Its funny that I'm sitting awake 4 hours before I wake up for school just because I want to write, I want to create and in all technicality I am writing just in the dullest of ways. I'm turning to this, my home away from home on the internet just to write my minds thoughts down. COATTW has turned from a head down depressed avenue of emotions to a melodramatic playground for the underage teenager that controls these keys. That’s one change that I enjoy and there have been so many changed with me lately, its scary and amazing in everyway possible.

10 songs that inspire me.

First Aid Kit - In The Morning
Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
Joshua Radin - Everything'll Be Alright
Meghan Tonjes - The Weight Of
Angus and Julia Stone - And The Boys
Jay Brannan ft. Bitch - Goddamned
John Gold - It's Going
Holly Williams - Three Days In Bed
Monsters of Folk - Temazcal
Laura Marling - New Romantic

I began my 365 project today for my photography,

I also will be starting my 365 project for writing today as well.

View more photographs on my flickr stream:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thezacharyandrew

Remember Zachary, no matter how much you dream or how hard you try you’ll never amount to anything.

Flickr.com & Tumblr.com

Im beginning to use Flickr.com and Tumblr.com again.
So add me as a contact/follow me darlings.
<3




CLICK THE IMAGES



Oh and don't forget,

My Life

Save me

Water rushing down her face

she screams,

Save me.

Blood across the floor,

he stares.

Nothing.

Finger prints intertwined with hair.

She screams.

He stares.

Nothing.

She reaches for a knife,

He yells.

She screams,

Save me.

Tears rushing down her face,

her blood on the floor.

He stares as she screams.

His fingers grasping her hair.

She leans forward and reaches for a knife,

he yells and pulls her back.

She screams,

Save me.

He throws her to the ground with such force

her screaming stops but the tears still fall.

He takes the knife and with one quick movement,

the little girl’s tears are no more.

But one last time she screams,

Save me.

He stares.

Blood on his hands,

Laughing.

He stares.

Blood on his hands,

Laughing.

She dies.

Silence

Sandbox love affairs
on playgrounds with truth and dare.
Grown men prowl like shattered glass,
the word love splashed among sidewalk cracks.

Chalk, swings, tic tac toe.
No one could ever hurt a rubber band boy.
Glue, that’s you, attracting glass,
Like bees to honey,
Or the trees to the breeze.

Teachers are the protectors,
the watchers, but distracted by a student kept after class,
for math,
1, 2, 3.

4 + 5 equals you and me,
I’m hurt,
I cry.
A cut down my thigh,
No one around is much surprised.
They knew I caught the glasses eye,
Man, trunk,  sexual position, lies, tape, videos.
Screams, fear, children, SILENCE… another sandbox love affair.

Little Prince

-- About two weeks ago I sat down after reading my sisters blog, for my nephew, and I tried writing something for him. My fingertips went to work hitting keys forming words but nothing I came up with was much more than that, words. I gave up only to come back again and begin with the same line I had once started with “Close your eyes little prince”, maybe its that line that is holding me back from writing something truly beautiful because this writing once again will go without truly being started. But I’ll post it just the same, half written and longing to be finished.

“Close your eyes little prince.
Drift away into a world of dragons and queens;
fairies and talking flowers.
Let the softness of your pillow become the clouds beneath your head.

Close your eyes little prince,
regain your cotton thrown of red and gold.”

Honeydew and Angels

Blank paper, blank pages.
Fringes, ink.
Smudged across my skin,
the blue and black
of my pen.
Of my words,
so keen of you they
only form your flattery.
Simple curves,
subtle lines perfectly
shaped to form three simple
words.
Three words that mean more
to me then the blank pages,
or the ink smeared across my finger tips.
Rough patches of thoughts,
of dreams.
Walking, kissing, holding,
I cannot fathom this world with out you.
My pen would be still,
No movement,
No lines.
The curves of those three simple words ,
of those 8 tiny letters
dismissed into the dark sky
of writers past.
Where no one dare retrieve a thought,
in fear of being stuck.
Empty minded without your voice,
your touch, your scent.
Honeydew and angels.
Black and blue,
smeared across my skin;
across my paper, my pages.
Forget me not for
I will always remember you
with my words, these three words;
so simple they roll from my lips., I love you.

Future Noises

Non-harmonic energies intertwine,
our lips pressed against each other
like a child on glass.
Funny faces, little giggles.
Innocence no more,
not after that night.
Bodies moving.
Withering as if in pain
but in pleasure.
Melting into each other,
my mind
my soul
is now ours.
Future noises,
dreams
rush threw me when I hear those words.
Its like a childhood vision,
from a magazine,
an old movie.
Black and whites.
A glamour star,
perfectly planned out love affairs,
that end in words.
Scrolling just scrolling
black on white like the colors
of their skin.
Not ours.
We create colors together,
We create the world.
We create love.

My Newest Venture.

CarbonMade.
Click the banner bellow to check out my NEWEST portfolio.
I'm hoping to be adding lots of new goodies soon.
Enjoy!

x.
Zachary.