Confessions of a Teenage Train Wreck

For years Ive looked at myself and saw someone I wasn't proud of, someone I couldn't except. I lived each day hating myself more and more wanting to never wake up, wanting every mirror in my home to be broken, every person around me to be blind. Hate is something Ive known all to well whether it is the hate I feel towards my father or mother or to the ones whom have hurt me the most, or the hate I have for myself. Hate is like an old friend that I don't think I will ever get away from. You know the feeling you get when you watch a scary movie and the monster pops up in front of you and your whole body leaps back? That's how I feel every time I see myself, I hear myself, every time I see something I have done. I'm not thee best at anything, not anywhere near the top in any one thing Ive tried. I beat myself down so others can put themselves up and to be completely frank and upfront about it I AM TIRED of it. I want to be able to wake up, look in the mirror and say "You are wonderful and I love you." But never once have I ever even had the courage to even try something so outside of myself, or outside of this new person that Ive become. I need a vacation from myself, from my thoughts that have haunted me for years the ones that keep me awake crying at night. I just need to get away, to run away, to be at peace with who I am and who I will always be.
,,Im just not in the mood to do this anymore.