I was reading an article today about one of the two most recent teen suicides just a few minutes ago and it brought me to tears.

I haven’t cried over any of them until now. The article had a part of his suicide letter, it talked about how he thought this was his only way out. Silly me, I’m actually starting to cry as i type this. Those words… his words, I relate to them so much. I was there, I could have been one of them. In all honesty that’s the way I have felt for years, even when I said I felt better out loud inside I never really have. I won’t be one of them though, I have dreams, lots and lots of dreams that I want to see threw.

I just feel so alone all the time.

You know, my mum already tells everyone and acts like I'm this terrible out of control person when to be honest im not anymore and when i was she had no idea. I barely drink, i barely smoke. I dont smoke weed anymore, i dont sneak out. I stay home. All the time im home, because she doesnt want me to leave. She complains about me always being home, well if you let me actually leave then maybe i wouldnt be home all the time?? I think i might just go back to being a bad kid and sneaking around and shit. It beats being responsable and always being told no when you ask to do things. I mean fuck, i had tonsss of fun when id sneak out and chill with friends and do whatever we wanted. I did that shit when i was in school and now that im out i dont see why not just continue it. I mean some sort of a social life besides just texting people would be VERY nice!

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I wish I had the guts to ask my grandmother if I could live with her.
I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that she would say no.
I mean it would be good for her considering she'd have someone there for her
and someone to keep her company but it would also be good for be because I'd
be out of this environment.
I just can't get past that thought that says she'll say no.
Usually rejection isn't something I'm too worried about

but theres just something about it to where I just don't want

to embarrass myself if she were to say no.
But then again what would it hurt if she did say no?
I mean I'm working on getting a job, I'm waiting on a call from gallup.

I'm working on my photography, even though I've been completely bored

with it lately.
I think it was just the people I was shooting with.
I just shot with Blake the other day and we had a blast but we are also
so comfortable around eachother but we were just being ourselves and joking around.
I'm getting sidetracked, the point of this post is simple:
To ask or not to ask.

I'm starting to think this was all a mistake...

maybe I'm too conservative for you?

... yes, I actually considered myself conservative. ha!

You love clubs, I find them tacky.
You want to strip, I find the thought completely repulsive.

You refuse to take care of yourself, I just worry.

I could go on and on but honestly I'm just not in the mood.